So I should give an update. Yesterday’s party was fine. There wasn’t any drama. I didn’t feel attacked. There wasn’t a whiff of a problem. I enjoyed my time with everyone and my sweetheart little niece had a great time.
There were a lot of parents there and I mingled. There was one mom who stood out. We were only just talking about our fall activities for the kids but she always sounded like she was bragging. She wasn’t just signing her son up for soccer, she was keeping him in training for what he’s really best at which is basketball. This little boy is actually a renaissance man also having mastered writing and music. She was just always talking about how much he loves doing these enrichment things and how good he is. Now that I’m writing it I wonder if I’m jealous. Am I jealous? I never thought so but when I read back my lines it seems so. I should just be happy for my friend and this little boy. Why do I let such stupid little shit bother me. Who cares if she says her son is the next Michael Jordan, Mozart, Picasso, or Shakespeare. Good for her and him. Neither has anything to do with me. Still it irritates me and I wish I could get past that. I think if I stop comparing myself and my kids I’ll find such peace and contentment but how do we stop our thoughts? I can tell myself to cut out the bullshit and stop focusing on minor things but I can’t prevent the thought from happening in the first place. I wonder how it feels to be those truly zen people who are centered and spiritual. That would be awesome.
Speaking of spiritual, I’m also going through a spiritual journey this year. I’ve gotten away from my catholic roots. On the outside you would never guess. I teach ccd and my kids received sacraments and I attend church. But on the inside it doesn’t feel right. I’m irritated by the goings on at my church among the people, which I know is just the business side of the organization of the church and not the spiritual part but it gets under my skin. Last year i saw favoritism during the Christmas pageant like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Religious ed was chaotic. I don’t know what my kids learned. Of course this is where my mom reminds me they held beautiful sacramental programs for the kids but that’s all smoke and mirrors. It’s also my mom being annoying and arguing with me which is a blog entry for another day.
In addition to my irritation with the inner workings of my local church, I’m also irritated by the Catholic Church on a grand scale. Every week there’s an article about church cover up of molestation and harassment. How can a church stand for that?! It’s awful.
So while I contemplated these things I wondered if I wanted to change churches and possibly, religions. Episcopalian is very much like Catholicism with the exception that priests can marry, they marry gay couples, they’re not lead by the Pope, and a few other things. So I went to an episcopal church and it was lovely. The mass was almost identical to the Catholic ceremony I grew up knowing. Also, I was welcomed and the people were great. They were so nice and welcoming that I actually missed the privacy and anonymity of the Catholic Church! Since it’s the summer, the mass was sparsely attended. My husband thinks I might feel better in the fall when more people are around but I’m not sure that’s it either. Although I want a community, I don’t want to feel stifled. I’m also not looking for any old biddies to notice each Sunday whether or not I attend mass.
Then this comes back to my religious beliefs. I want to enhance my spiritual life. Is this church or that church the best way to do it? I’ve prayed for guidance and for an obvious “do this” kind of sign fromGod. (So I guess I am getting closer to God since I haven’t prayed for anything in a long time.) I want God to guide me in this church/religion process. I suppose it’s nothing He (orShe) really cares about but still I want to know. What should I do? Should I stay with one religion or switch? Should I find a different Catholic Church? Should I find a bigger episcopal church? How can I best teach my children? I guess I need to be more responsible for reading the Bible and educating them instead of relying on a CCD program. Would their spiritual lives be enhanced by one Church or another? Maybe Church isn’t even the answer? I think that when you appreciate a power greater than you in this world, your perspective on life shifts. That’s what I want for my kids. I also want them to learn the stories of the Bible because Jesus embraced outcasts with kindness over and over again. That kind of tolerance is important for them especially as they grow up in a privileged town such as the one we are in. Will one church help me achieve this goal better than another? I just don’t know. I guess I have to keep praying on it.
Something is happening. I’m strangely more calm than I’ve been lately. I haven’t been seeing a lot of patients and the ones I’m seeing are pretty easy. I also bought a course on e commerce and I’m learning a lot. I’m excited about it and enjoying what I’m learning. It’s teaching me how to find stuff that’s trending and buy low and sell high. 😂
Tomorrow I’m going to my niece’s bday party. My daughter is going to but my son is not. He doesn’t want to go since she’s turning 4 and the invitation had princesses all over it. Well I learned today that one of my cousins is bringing her daughter and is very offended that her son wasn’t invited. This is bothering me.
I feel like I’m being attacked.
I feel like my family is being attacked.
But that’s not true. We’re not being attacked. This cousin just has her views on stuff and is annoyed. Remember the saying “people will love you and hate you and both have nothing to do with you.” How can I know that that’s true but still be bothered by other people’s feelings? 🤷♀️
“Someone else’s view about an issue that is based solely on personal judgment.”
Why would I, a supremely self confident person, care so much about someone else’s view? I just read another explanation that said that in this world, some people will like you and some will hate you but the vast majority of people who inhabit this planet will never care whether I live or die. 🤔 hmmm
I really should just be making the most of my life. Enjoying.
Ooh listen to this theory. We evolved to survive better in groups and so the approval of others is in our dna. If our caregivers set impossible standards we grow up caring about pleasing others. My mom totally cared so much about what others thought and that pressure was strong. A little caring of what others think of us is ok but too much can lead us to only care about what others think and not at all what we think. I think I sunk too far into worrying about fitting in. I forgot myself. My interests. Me. I’m good.
Last night I experienced the craziest pain in my legs and arms. It was so uncomfortable and at one point I thought I might need to go to the hospital. Now I know I had a low grade fever too. I also had a headache. Headaches are getting to be very problematic with me. I get them often and they’re debilitating. I keep talking myself into thinking I have a solution but then they come back and I’m again sidelined by pain. I probably need to have a better diet, try an anti-inflammatory diet that’s probably plant based. Has anyone tried that?
So now I’m home, in bed, no lights on. It’s a little depressing but my pain has subsided. I’m considering eating a donut while I’m also realizing I need to eat better. I tried overeaters anonymous once. It was interesting to see that food is such a way people cope. I agree, of course. People with real problems would share and talk about their serious problems. I felt foolish with my champagne problems about my kitchen remodel or whatever I was dealing with at the moment. The thing is, I know I’m so lucky. I really truly am. I live in a nice home, im healthy, and I have great friends and family. What else is there? But I still have trouble coping with whatever little bullshit is in my life and turn to food to bury it.
My therapist pointed out that food might be the only indulgence I allow myself because I’m so hard on myself. Maybe she’s right. I wonder why I chose food. Availability? I don’t know. Why not alcohol or drugs or sex or gambling? I guess food seems the safest of those vices and I am a rule follower. Why don’t I follow food rules. The food pyramid is a joke for me. I guess it’s my outlet?
So today I’ll recover and try not to eat too poorly. I’m on the antibiotic augmentum. What natural methods can I employ to feel better? 🤔
What do people do when they can’t sleep? I’m wide awake and it’s 3:43am. I’m not even remotely tired but I know I’ll pay the price for this in the morning. Ugh.
I’m laying in bed, playing on my phone, trying to get tired.
I’m not worried or thinking of anything in particular. Well I guess I’m a little worried about the fact that I haven’t gotten any new work lately. That’s worrisome. I’d like to get a new client. Last week I was so confident I’d get 2. I got 1. I’m unfortunately less confident this week but I have to keep up my momentum. I can’t lose that positive thinking so I can manifest my own reality. Yeah that’s right. I said manifest my own reality. That’s some magical thinking shit right there!
I want my business to take off. I want to be a healer and a high end boutique, cash based practice. I’m worried my service is not well enough defined. I provide physical therapy but it’s more than that. It’s comfort and privacy and energy healing. It’s the best of everything. I would want physical therapy like this. Unless maybe it’s too personal? Maybe people don’t want PT in their homes? Should I hang a shingle? Maybe I need to reach out to Donna and find out about renting some space. Maybe that’s the problem.
I’ll ask tomorrow. I’d rather be in her salon than in Nutley. Her salon is so much closer.
I could bring a decent amount of foot traffic her way. She’d probably like that. I’ll have to ask.
Maybe I can get some sleep now. Just one more cookie…
I have bronchitis. My son has pneumonia and I suspect the only reason why I don’t is because I was using a cold laser or low level laser on my chest. Those lasers activate the mitochondria in cells. This helps the cell heal. I use this laser in my health and wellness practice and I find it really effective. It’s the same kind of laser that is used in needle-less acupuncture.
The minute he and I began coughing I sat with the laser on my chest for a minimum of 20 minutes once a day for a week. It didn’t cure me but I think it prevented my lungs from going down the same path as my son. And of course I put the laser on him too but he had a few days head start on me.
I love anything I can do that helps me get better that’s not a drug. Im one of those people who typically experiences every side effect on a drug. Right now i take some things for anxiety which I’d love to get off but that’s not an option right now.
Does anyone else have any non medical remedies to share?